my thoughts..my life.

again..

I feel lost again. When it comes to my relationship that is…lost, insecure, uncertain, doubtful, anxious, worried…and the list would go on with every negative emotion that’s in me. Most of all I am worried…worried that he will leave me and find someone better..more suitable for the lifestyle that he leads. I try my best. Try my best to be the perfect girlfriend. I guess perfect doesn’t exist because no matter how hard I try…I come short, way short of perfect. I don’t know how to feel or what to think anymore. One day everything is great, the next I feel like I don’t even exist in his world. After six months of being together…am I supposed to feel this way? I am supposed to be confident and certain that he cares about me…but yet..somehow…somehow I feel like he doesn’t. I don’t quite understand why his emotions flipflop the way they do towards me, one day it’s all loveydovey…the next I feel like he’d rather slit his throat then talk to me. I know he cares and maybe I am over analyzing his every word…every move.. or maybe he finally realized that I’m not the girl for him and that he should move on to better things.

      I can’t explain how I feel maybe because there is no explanation. I love him, that I know for sure. I know that I can’t go a day without hearing his voice, or hear him tell me he loves me. I thrive from that kind of stuff. All it takes is a simple “I love you” and my mood skyrockets. Maybe hearing those three words should make everything better…but today it doesn’t. I have barely spoken to him all day and when we are on the phone, I feel like he is uninterested and definently preoccupied. We always work things out though, all couples hit a rough patch. I don’t even know if this would be considered a rough patch. There’s nothing wrong on the surface…but I feel like if I searched deeper inside I’d find something wrong with us. I don’t know what I did for him to act towards me this way. I have been feeling depressed and unwanted for the past couple days now and I hate feeling this way. When he tells me he loves me I doubt it…I feel like he’s only telling me out of a habit.  Maybe it’s the way I have been acting towards him that’s making him act this way towards me. I admit, I have been moody on the phone and distant only because I feel like he doesn’t want my love. Maybe I am sufficating him with my love…wow that sounds horrible. What girlfriend

why…that is the question

I do not like feeling this way, but there is nothing I can to try and stop feeling this way. Okay…this is where I am wrong. You CAN try to stop moping around and feeling like a total loser. My attitude was all wrong, of course if you say you can’t do something…you most likely wont. But, if you have the right attitude you can. And I will. I will stop acting like a depressed kid and start looking at life in a more simpler happier outlook. I will start with listing all the things I am looking forward to:

1) My boyfriend and my HALF YEAR ANNIVERSARY!! — That is clearly something to be excited about. I pray to God I do not jinx this. I cannot believe he lasted this long. Obviously I knew I would because I am completely in love…but I never thought a boy like my boyfriend…would in fact be boyfriend material. Im talking about club promoter…

2) School will be out in just a little over a month!!

3) New phone, I hope my new found good attitude will inspire my mom to get me the white iPHONE! White is such a pretty color…and it looks rich, exactly my taste.

This is all for now…I’m sure these are good enough reasons to be exicted though!All negativity out!

xO -L

Why did I join?

What has my life become? I honestly feel like I ruined every chance of becoming a young sucessful woman like I always dreamed. What do I have in front of me… except a future…with no future? Lost are the days of care-free-ness…is that even a word? I think my laziness has turned against my intellegence and completely stupidified me..See what I mean? I cant even be rational anymore. Well, well, well. Here I am even talking to myself on a website that no one will read. Why am I even complaining and whining to a world of CSS and other non sense that I COMPLETELY do not understand…and these extremely fake long nails make it hardly possible to type without hitting “backspace” about one hundred times per jminute..see what i mean, again? Maybe ill avoid hitting “backspace” and see how many mistakes I make..oh geeze that must be super fun..I shall try..Ooops I just hit it without even realizing that I hit..Oh my gosh here i go again..and again. Wow I will stop before I completely drive myself mad. I have noticed that we do things without really thinking about them..for example with my whole backspace dilemma..I mean, we do things and then we think..”really, did i just do that?!..like that one weekend when you and that guy..yeah nevermind..well you wake up the next morning thinking what the hell did i just do!..I hate mornings like that. I hate days like that. I hate not thinking. I hate that I spend a good portion of my time just not thinking about anything. I need a life. By all means, don’t get me wrong. I have a life. Both a social and private one. I actually enjoy my life very much..whether it’s going to the city with my girls for a couple of drinks or just sitting at home on my couch eating donuts and ice cream while catching episodes of All My Children and One Life to Live I missed…do to the fact..that IN FACT, I do have a life. What I mean is, I need to get more of life. It’s like lemons..you want to squeeze out as much juice as you can before you throw it away…well same here..I want to squeeze out as much juice out of life as I can before it throws ME away. Right about now I probably have a shot worth of juice.. not good, not good at all. I want more. I want it all. I want to be a model, but sitting on my ass on journal websited obviously isn’t going to get me anywhere. Boyfriend is calling gotta go continue living my life! xO L